I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize