so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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