WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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