I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
barbara walters just said penis...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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