Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
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He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
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I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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