just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My first STD was from a foam party
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
