can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
