we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
