you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
