i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
