I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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