Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
