Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
