I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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