Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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