If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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