So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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