im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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