I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
