I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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