my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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