Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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