My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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