I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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