Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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