Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
