My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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