I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
