dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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