Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm getting married
To pizza
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
