so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
