I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
