Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
cat food counts as protein by the way
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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