She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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