Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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