Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
