Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
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I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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