well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.