she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.