Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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