i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
