that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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