Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
