Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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