were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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