we have pet lesbian snakes
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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