I'm really into asian looking animals
only you would photoshop your dick
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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