I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
