Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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