just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
