If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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