...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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