All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
