dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
