According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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