I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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